Asia Argento: Person Of The Year!
By John Saleeby
Asia Argento has been in the News so much this Year you might think she had a Job in the Trump White House. (Asia Argento is sitting at a Table in The Red Hen when the Staff tells her she has to leave. Asia puts on an Amelia Earhart Helmet and flies out the window through the Miracle of Methane Gas Propulsion “Which way to the World Trade Center? I’m feelin’ kinda Kamikazi Tonight!” Peter Griffin from “Family Guy” says “I’ll have what she’s having!”) Pretty typical Acid Logic stuff. We’re just gettin’ started!
“Hello, and Welcome to the 2018 Acid Logic Person Of The Year Awards! I am your Host Conan O’Brien!” “Oh yeah?” says Jay Leno and a Ten Thousand Pound Weight falls on Conan’s Head. Fortunately for Conan his Head is so big . . . Pretty typical Acid Logic stuff.
To begin this Article about Asia Argento take all your clothes off and walk around the neighborhood Singing like an Opera Star until you are arrested and thrown in Jail. Now you are the kind of person worthy of Reading about a Nut like Asia Argento! What a Wacky Broad! How do you say “What a Wacky Broad!” in Italian? (Looks up “What a Wacky Broad!” in an Italian Language Guide, finds a naked picture of Asia Argento, forgets all about Writing an Article, gets thrown in Jail again, and earns a Degree in Wacky Italian Broads from Bertolucci University).
We here at Acid Logic have been Monitoring all this Asia Argento activity for quite a while. Look up old Acid Logic Articles about her like . . . No, that was a Bai Ling Article. Go back to . . . No, that was another Bai Ling Article. How about . . . No, that was a Bai Ling Article, too. Was Bai Ling in “Land Of The Dead”? “I only took this job because I thought Dennis Hopper might have some Coke! Good thing I left my nipples in the glove compartment!” (Benny Hill Chase Music)
Lord, Asia Argento has gotten her silly self tangled up in some serious scandals lately! But I’m not going to get into all that here because you’ve already heard about it and I’m trying to help her get away with it all. I’m on her side! The Poor Girl got RAPED by Harvey Weinstein, for cryin’ out loud! What can be said about Harvey Weinstein that hasn’t been said before? No, that was Ted Bundy. . . No, that was John Wayne Gacy. . . . No, that was Richard Speck. . . No, that was Ted Kennedy but it made me laugh so let’s hang out sometime. Asia’s public announcement that Weinstein raped her at the Cannes Film Festival is crucial in the creation of the #MeToo Movement and a big reason so many guys will be going to the Cannes Film Festival for the next Five Hundred Years. Luckily Asia didn’t cut all her hair off like Rose McGowan. Rose thought all of the #MeToo chicks were going to cut all their hair off so she went off and . . . Boy, was she pissed off! Asia couldn’t be bothered to trim her armpits, forget her head. See how far I’ll go to avoid Writing about Asia getting raped by Harvey Weinstein? And now I will Write Eleven Pages about why Maroon 5 should not perform in the Super Bowl Half Time Show to avoid Writing about Asia’s Boyfriend Anthony Bourdain hanging himself.
Asia Argento getting messed up with that Bourdain Douche was the Biggest Heartbreaker since that cute Blonde on “Fawlty Towers” turned out to be Married to John Cleese’s crazy ass. The Question on Everybody’s Mind - Why does Acid Logic Publish all this John Saleeby garbage? No, the Other Question on Everybody’s Mind - Did Asia have anything to do with Mister Douche’s Suicide? Probably about as much as Bai Ling had to do with John Saleeby’s Suicide. Yeah, that never happened but actually meeting a Woman and having Sex with her will probably push you from thinking about Suicide to actually doing it. That’s why I never respond to all those Emails from Rosario Dawson.
And Yeah Yeah Yeah, Asia made if with the Teenage Kid who played her Son in some Movie. Next Time that comes up in conversation just say what stupid guys always spout when there’s a News Story about some Crazy Whore High School Teacher who’s been fooling around with her Students. Only instead of “Wow! I sure wish I had a Teacher like that when I was in High School!” say “Wow! I sure wish I had a Leading Actress like that when I was in a Major Motion Picture!” Oh, but you have never been in a Major Motion Picture, have you? Well, Asia Argento has so who are YOU to Judge? Asia Argento might not be that good a person but are you? Huh? FUCK YOU! WE’RE ALL GARBAGE!!! WE’RE DAMNED!!! SEND A PLAGUE OF SOILS AND BORES, OH LORD!!! Uh . . . I MEAN, A PLAGUE OF BOILS AND SORES!!! YEAH!!! A PLAGUE OF CROCODILES WITH FLAME THROWERS AND SPIDERS WITH LATE NIGHT TALK SHOWS!!! I don’t know what’s in these drinks but it’s making it SO easy to talk!
Don’t you know that Asia’s Dad is Dario Argento, the crazy fuck that Directed “Suspiria” and Produced “Dawn Of The Dead”? No wonder she’s out of her Mind! That damn Dario put Asia in a Nude Shower Scene when she was just a Teenage Girl! No, I am not going to tell you the Name of the Movie that Nude Shower Scene is in. No. You’re too excited. No! Go look at Bai Ling’s Nude Shower Scene in “The Crow”. Better yet, I’ll go look at Bai Ling’s Nude Shower Scene in “The Crow” while you finish Writing the rest of this Article. . . I’m back! Did you get any Work done? I watched the Nude Shower Scene in “The Crow” and the Scene in “The Breed” where Bai Ling walks up the Staircase so we can all look at her butt and you haven’t . . . My Goodness, does Roman Polanski have a Daughter? (Planes crashing, Cars colliding, Seth Rogan making Movies) And why isn’t Asia in “Dawn Of The Dead”? When There’s No More Room In Hell Satan Will Give Asia Argento Tickets To The Cannes Film Festival. And does the Italian Nut Case Movie Director who did “Cannibal Holocaust” have a Daughter running around? Did Anthony Bourdain ever do a Show where he went to the Jungle to eat a Tortoise and all of his Camera Crew?
Maybe we should have went with Pete Davidson for Person Of The Year.
Oh, when Jay Leno dropped that Ten Thousand Pound Weight on Conan O’Brien’s Head - Jay Leno dropped that Ten Thousand Pound Weight out of his HAND! Yeah, Jay Leno held that Ten Thousand Pound Weight up with his Arm, opened his Hand, and dropped it right on top of Conan O’Brien’s sweaty nervous head! Any goddam punk can do a Mic Drop but it takes a Real Man to -
“Don’t say Mic Drop’! It’s 2018!”
“Oh, fuck you, Pete Davidson.”
What do you think? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!
John Saleeby wrote
for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up
comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
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