Johnny Apocalypse Answers His Mail

By Johnny Apocalypse
May 1st, 2007

If you go to the websites of some authors, actors and various other people, you may see that they occasionally post the letters and questions that their fans send them.  Since I don’t have my own website, I thought that I would take up some space here on Acid Logic for the same purpose.

The only thing stopping me: I don’t have any fan mail.  Or hate mail.  Or neutral mail.  I occasionally chat with Forbis and Saleeby about the stuff we write for the site, but no one else really drops me a line about this stuff (and no, this is not my way of begging for fan mail).

So I have done the next best thing - I have made some up.  All of the following e-mails are fictitious.  I have written up some praise, some criticism and some random stuff and then I answered it.  So without further ado, on to letter one.

Dear Johnny,

I read your piece on movies you hate and now you’re number one on the list of writers I hate.  You have singled out several of the best movies ever made simply for the fact that you find them boring.  So what do you watch that’s so damn great?  The Care Bears MovieAction without Plot, Part 39?

If I ever get elected to public office, I’m going to have everyone executed if they don’t absolutely love 2001: A Space Odyssey and Blade Runner.  It’s because of  idiots like you that America is hated by most of the world.

You don’t like these movies because you don’t understand them.  That’s it.  If you were up for an intellectual challenge then you might actually survive my presidency.

You suck,
Francis “Centipede” Johnson

Dear Francis,

So let me get this straight.  You’re basing the country’s domestic policy on movies?  And you’re judging people’s intelligence on movies?  Bold thinking, but I don’t think it’ll land you many votes.  Might I suggest basing your campaign issues on what you feel the nation needs to be stronger, and judging people’s intelligence by their accomplishments?  (Not that my accomplishments are terribly impressive).

And what’s wrong with disliking a movie because it’s boring?  I watch movies to be entertained, not to cure insomnia.  I recently saw Pathfinder, a movie panned by critics and audiences alike.  While I wasn’t terribly impressed with the movie as a whole, the action scenes were pretty damn slick, and that’s what I paid to see.

As for your claim that I didn’t like enjoy these movies because I didn’t get them, I would like it publicly known that I fully understood what these movies were getting at and I still judged them to be crap.  If someone says that they did not enjoy reading Green Eggs and Ham, do you assume it’s because they didn’t understand the book?

I don’t understand the biological make-up of cows but I still like steak.  I fully understand that mountains are formed by the shifting of tectonic plates but I don’t much care for them.

In closing, blow me.

Dear Mr. Apocalypse,

Your short story, The Case of the Missing Daughter, changed my life.  Not only was it utterly hilarious, it taught me a lot about private investigation, and life itself.

You see, I used to be a banker.  All day I took money from people, gave money to different people, denied loans and calculated interest.  After reading your story I realized that my life needed more action!  A little excitement!

Once I arrived at work the next morning I foiled a bank robbery.  Sure, the guy said that he worked for the bank, and that he had a gun because he’s the security guard, but isn’t that what they all say?

A few weeks later I quit my job and became a full time private investigator.  It’s a big pay cut, but I kick ass all day and make my own hours.

Thanks again for all you’ve done!

G. Harris Pennyplucker

Dear G. Harris,

First, you don’t have to call me “Mr. Apocalypse ”.  “Johnny” is fine, and so is “hey, asshole” (my sister’s preferred nickname for me).  So we can stop with the formalities.

Next, I am glad that I was able to help you find your path, but I didn’t really mean to condone any violence.  If it’s all self-defense or something similar then it’s cool, but my story probably isn’t the best field guide for the private eye.

A while back I used to be a process server, which is not exactly like being a private investigator but there is some crossover.  Asking lots of questions of friends and neighbors to find the person I’m trying to serve, doing a bit of surveillance when you’re waiting for them to come home from work (or just step outside to check the mail if they refuse to open the door).  While I occasionally thought about kicking a door down or pummeling some answers out of a particularly unhelpful person, I always abstained for the greater good.  The greater good being me not going to jail.

Good luck in your new profession, and I hope the cops don’t whomp on you too badly.

Hey Johnny!

Live nude girls dancing just for you!  Click here!

Dear Anonymous Spam-Master,

When I clicked on your site I noticed that it was a thinly disguised marketing ploy.  Furthermore, I realized that it was an incredibly expensive marketing ploy.  Twenty-five dollars a month to watch a woman whose web-cam is out of focus, and the frame rate is so slow that her dance looks like a poorly coordinated pop-lock?  I think not.

If these women are dancing “just for me” as you claim, they will soon have to file bankruptcy.  I am a notorious tightwad, having fine tuned the practice into an art.  I won’t spend twenty-five cents on much of anything and you’re asking for twenty-five dollars?  That was my high bid on the Rembrandt they auctioned at Sotheby’s last week!

You are better off sending your e-mails to people who don’t put their every penny into savings.

Dear Johnny,

Why don’t you write something smart for a change?  I mean, you’re funny and all, but don’t you want to write something to influence people and change the world?

Sneaky Pete

Dear Sneaky,

Well, I guess that depends on what you mean by “something smart”.  I toss in little snippets of philosophy, science/technology news and all sorts of trivial tidbits that my brain picks up for no discernable reason, so you might learn something to impress a friend by reading my stuff.  If you mean, why don’t I write a great political treatise about my utopian vision, there are plenty of reasons why I don’t.  The biggest one being that I don’t have a utopian vision.

I’ve never wanted to be the type to tell everyone how to vote or what’s wrong with society.  It’s just not me.  As far as politics go, I vote and that’s about it.  I may debate stuff with friends or research an issue to see what each side is thinking and choose my position, but it doesn‘t go much further.  As far as doing political humor, Bush and Clinton jokes have been done to death, and I can’t think of anything funny to say about Woodrow Wilson and Zachary Taylor.


Hey Johnny,

I loved that article you wrote on Bigfoot and ghosts and what-not.  Really funny stuff.  My only problem was that you accused me of being the Chupacabra.  Come on, man, I told you that in confidence!

Wil Forbis

Hey Buddy,

First, I didn’t really accuse you of anything.  I insinuated the possibility of you being the Chupacabra.  Second, you didn’t have me sign a non-disclosure agreement over your nighttime blood-drinking habits so I’m not obligated to keep anything silent.  You really should keep up on that paperwork, like when you told be about intentionally running over that guy from your high school and tossing his corpse in a dumpster behind a Starbucks.  I signed the agreement to keep that on the down-low, and I’m sticking to it.


Hey Johnny!

Super cheap prescription drugs!  Click here!

So, the Anonymous Spam-Master returns!  Selling pills this go-around, eh?  Perhaps you don’t quite understand how cheap I really am.  Here is a transcript of the last time I talked to my doctor:

Me:  Okay, doc, what’s the damage?  Am I going to lose the leg?
Doc:  You leg?  The pain’s in your chest, bonehead.
Me:  I know.  I just thought it might be a deep-vein thrombosis.
Doc: You mean a blood clot?  No.  And I order you to stop watching that damn surgery channel.  As if my job wasn’t hard enough.
Me:  No problem.
Doc:  Now then, the blood-work shows that you have a mild infection building in your lungs, but these pills should clear everything right up.
Me:  Pills?  Uh-oh.  How much is this going to cost me?
Doc:  This again?  About three bucks.
Me:  Three bucks?  Are you nuts?
Doc:  Mr. Apocalypse, you could die if you don’t take this medication.
Me:  Yeah, but three bucks?  Hell, it’ll be cheaper if I make the pills myself.  What’s in those things?
Doc (sighing):  Anti-biotics and some chemicals for time-release and preservatives.
Me (writing this down):  Okay, how long do I bake them for?
Doc:  You don’t.
Me:  You want me to eat raw anti-biotics?  Ugh.  Is that healthy?

So there you have it.  All sorts of different mail that I could have gotten and the answers to them.  To recap, I’m a cheap bastard, criticism of my work varies, and someone should really keep an eye on Forbis.

Next time I answer my mail (assuming I decide to use this schtick again):  More fans!  More people who hate me!  Much more tight-waddery!  And the dark, evil secrets of John “Cucumbers” Saleeby!

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