Acid Logic True Crime Tales:
“Don’t Mess With Amy Bishop, SHE WENT TO HARVARD!!!”
By John Saleeby
March 1st, 2018
The First Thing I have to make clear to everybody is that AMY BISHOP WENT TO HAVARD. Who is Amy Bishop? Don’t worry about who Amy Bishop is. The Most Important Thing you have to know about Amy Bishop is that SHE WENT TO HARVARD. Don’t worry about who Amy Bishop is or what Amy Bishop did. All you have to know is that AMY BISHOP WENT TO HARVARD and once you know that some one went to Harvard you immediately know that person is to be RESPECTED and OBEYED. So why is Amy Bishop in Prison? Clearly there are People around here who have not been properly informed about HARVARD and, BOY, are they in a LOT OF TROUBLE!
After Amy Bishop Graduated - From where did Amy Bishop Graduate? AMY BISHOP GRADUATED FROM HARVARD! - she joined the Faculty of some College in Alabama. ALABAMA!?! ALABAMA!?! Amy Bishop went to HARVARD and grew up in MASSACHUSETTS and had to Work in some godawful College in ALABAMA!?! People who are from MASSACHUSETTS and went to HARVARD don’t have to Work in Alabama! John F Kennedy was from Massachusetts and went to Harvard and he didn’t have to go ALABAMA! AMY BISHOP GOT A RAW DEAL! People from Massachusetts who went to HARVARD get to go to Washington DC or New York or Los Angeles or London or Paris or wherever the Hell they want to go. AMY BISHOP WAS TOO GOOD FOR ALABAMA!!!
From the Very Beginning of Amy Bishop’s Time in Alabama every thing Amy Bishop said - No matter what kind of Alabama related matter it was about - was a reminder to everyone that she went to HARVARD “Doctor Bishop, did you say that our Paper was due on the Eighteenth?” “Yes, White Trash Hill Billy, your Paper is due on the Eighteenth. When I was at HARVARD I had a Paper that was due on the Third, another Paper when I was at HARVARD was due on the Eleventh, another Paper when I was at HARVARD was due on the Nineteenth, and another Paper when I went to Harvard was due on the Twenty Seventh.” “Uh . . . So we have to turn in Papers to you on the Third, the Eighteenth, the Nineteenth, and the Twenty Seventh?” “GET OUT OF HERE , YOU REDNECK PIECE OF GARBAGE!!! And when I say ‘Here’ I mean ‘Alabama’, not ‘Harvard’ which I meant when I said ‘Here’ when I was a Student!”
For some Idiot reason Amy Bishop was not popular with People in Alabama. There were numerous complaints from Students and other Staff Members did not like her. But Amy Bishop, who went to HARVARD, knew everything and Amy Bishop knew why everybody in Alabama did not like her - The Entire State of Alabama HATED Amy Bishop because she went to HARVARD and they were STUPID!!!
One Day Amy Bishop took one of her Kids---Yeah, Amy Bishop had a Husband and Kids! But we’re not getting into that, Amy Bishop and a Husband and Kids? TOO SCARY!!! I tried Writing about Amy Bishop and her Family and now I know that if Stephen King can Write all that stuff without going out of his Mind he can complete this sentence for me cause I don’t know what the Hell is going on---into a Diner and when the Waitress told her they were out of Kiddie Seats Amy Bishop marched right up to another table and began to remove some Kid out of his Seat. Put her Hands on some Little Kid and yanked him right out of his High Chair! The Mother of this Child had the AUDACITY to inquire what Amy Bishop was doing she Declared “I AM DOCTOR AMY BISHOP AND I WENT TO HARVARD!!!!” and within seconds that Trailer Trash Whore was laying on the floor and Doctor Amy Bishop was on top of her punching her repeatedly in the face. Now, if it had been one Trailer Trash Whore punching another Trailer Trash Whore in the face she would have gone to Jail. But this was no Average Alabama Woman, this was DOCTOR AMY BISHOP and NOTHING HAPPENED TO HER! Why? One word - HARVARD. Word? Or is that a Name? I don’t know! I never went to HARVARD!
But eventually all this caught up with Amy Bishop and she found out that she was not going to get “Tenure”. I don’t know what “Tenure” is but Amy Bishop was so angry when she found out she wasn’t going to get it I think it has something to do with a Movie Star reading your name off of a piece of paper she just took out of an envelope so you go up onstage to get it while all the other Movie Stars applaud and all the Massachusetts-Harvard People watch it on TV. But Amy Bishop was so ANGRY about not getting that Tenure she was even more Amy Pope than usual. So One Day not long after Amy Bishop found out she was not getting Tenure she stood up in a crowded Staff Meeting, pulled out a Gun, and shot Six People. Three of them Died, three more were wounded, and I’m sure that to this Day Amy Bishop thinks they owe her an Apology. I told you about the Shooting so casually because it was clearly no Big Deal to Amy Bishop and I want to look Cool to any HARVARD People who might Read this.
It’s too bad Amy Bishop had not shot half a dozen People in Massachusetts or maybe even HARVARD. Because if Amy Bishop had shot a bunch of People there she would have become the Queen Of Massachusetts and HARVARD and, by extension, EMPRESS OF ALL THE SMART PEOPLE IN THE WORLD! And What A Wonderful World we would all be Living in Today if Amy Bishop was Our Goddess! But Amy Bishop did not shoot those People in Massachusetts, she shot them in Alabama will spend the Rest Of Her Life in an Alabama Prison. I’m sure everybody in Massachusetts and HARVARD did all they could do to help her but you know those People in Alabama - They’re ANIMALS!
And I know that if Amy Bishop had shot all those People in Massachusetts she would have gotten away with it. How do I know that? Because even before Amy Bishop went to HARVARD she shot her Younger Brother to Death with a Shotgun and the Police helped her Family make it out to be an Accident. Because her Family were The Kind Of People who get their Daughter into HARVARD. Imagine how all the People who have applied to HARVARD and been rejected even though they have never killed anybody would feel if they found out about Amy Bishop. But must People have never heard about Amy Bishop. Ya know why nobody has ever heard about Amy Bishop? CAUSE SHE WENT TO HARVARD!!!What do you think? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
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