American Romance 2004

By John Saleeby
June 16th, 2004

Every so often a love affair comes along that captures the heart of the whole wide World - Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, John and Jackie Kennedy, John Saleeby and the chick who plays the Principal on "The Steve Harvey Show" . . . And today America has fallen head over heels in love with Lynndie England and Charles Graner, the Romeo and Juliet of Abu Ghraib prison in Baghdad. But now our star crossed lovers have been cruelly separated, Lynndie here in the USA and Charles still back in Iraq . . .

Yo Lynndie,
Goddam, aren't there any prettier pictures of you that your stupid family could have released to the press? Geez, being around all those naked Arabs must have really put my eye for pussy waaay out of wack if I could put it to a monkey like you. I apologize to The President, Donald Rumsfeld, and all those fag Democrat Senators for not finding a more attractive female for them to look at pictures of me and everybody else in Iraq having sex with. Guess the camera not being able to pick up "HELTER SKELTER" when you write it on the wall with cum turned out to be a pretty good thing after all, eh? So what do you look like now that you're pregnant and shit? I'd like to see you naked while you're pregnant. I'd like to see you and a whole bunch of other naked pregnant bitches in a pyramid so then I could jump on top of you all and then the babies would shoot out of you and smack up against the wall. That would be some funny shit. Then we could pile the babies up in a pyramid and I could jump on top of them and then the shit would shoot out of them and smack up against the wall. That would be some funny shit. Yesterday I piled up some pieces of shit in a pyramid and jumped on top of them. Nothing shot out if them and smacked up against the wall but it was still some funny shit. I am a little insulted that Donald Rumsfeld did not come visit us when he came over here. Ain't nobody done more to teach those Muslim pieces of shit a lesson on what happens when you mess with the Red, White, And Blue than us and he can't even be bothered to say "Hi". Shit, just for that I might just tell em everything we did was his idea. Yeah, he was on his cell phone giving us directions from Washington the whole time - "Take all their clothes off! Can you hear me? Take all their clothes off! Can you hear me? Pile em up in a pyramid! Can you hear me? Pile em up in a pyramid! I'm losin' you! I'm losin' you! Is the little ugly bitch there yet?" But you don't know what I'm talking about - Donald Rumsfeld is one of those people on TV who isn't Kid Rock or Jay Leno. You wouldn't understand about that any more than how to fuck without getting pregnant and making a lot of trouble for everybody, you dumb whore. This morning they told me to get up out of bed and go see my lawyer. I said "Fuck off". Then they got all mad and I said "What are you gonna do? Make me take off my clothes and masturbate? Hell, I'll do it right now!" So I took off my clothes and started masturbating until they went away. Too bad I didn't know about that when my parents would make me get up to go to school. Too bad for MOM - HAHAHA!! Jesus, I bet when you come into the room now it's like a Monster Truck rally with a big old hound dog riding in the back. Man, you are gonna scare the crap outta them when they haul you into the courtroom! Maybe they can raise up a curtain so they see you chained to the wall like King Kong. Don't shave your upper lip for a coupla days, turn your eyelids inside out, carve a swastika onto your forehead like the Manson girls and the Japs will make a science fiction movie with a sumo wrestler in a rubber Lynndie suit stomping on a scale model of Tokyo. By the time you get out of prison you will be an ugly old cow so from here on out it's Dyke City for you - And I don't mean San Francisco! Ha ha! Hold the paper up to your nose so I can laugh in your face, bitch - HA HA HA! Now I am rubbing the paper on my ass so kiss it, bitch, kiss it! Now I am jumping up and down on it so lay down on the floor with it on top of your head until your goddam skull cracks open and the shit inside your head squirts out all over the place.

I Love You,

Dere Charles,
The baby bin kicking. Too bad I'm not having twins so he'd hav someone to kick aroun like his Mommy an Daddy. I'm gonna tell em thet in the pickture where I'm pointin my fingers at dicks I had some medecal ointmunt on the tips of my fingers an I was about to put it on there dicks an cure them of some weerd Arab dick diseese. Peeple will beleeve that. That's why my cigeret was in my mouth, my hands were all covered with ointmunt. We were not forcin them to masterbate, we were making sure they put the ointmunt all over there weerd Arab diseese infekted dicks. If we had not don that there dicks wood have turnd green and sprowted legs and liddle crab eyes lookin at you an fell off an run aroun bitin peeple. Weerd Arab dick diseese - No one new abowt it befor we discoverd it an cured it so it will never be seen agin. We saved the wurld. I tol my lawyer thet an he just looked at me wit his mowth hangin open. Doez that mean he think it is a good idea? I never delt with a jew befor. Witch one of the girls frum "Charmd" do you think shud play me in the maid for TV movee about me? I wunt the girl frum "Charmd" who used to be ngaged to Marylen Manson to play me in the maid for TV movee about me an wen I wrote her a ledder she took out a restraning order aginst me an wen I wrote Marylen Manson a ledder he wrote me a ledder sain she took out a restraning order aginst him too and then he took out a restraning order aginst me too. Then Shannon Doerty foun out I was looken for someone too play me and send me a pickture of her pullen her agent aroun by a leesh. The sceery part is that it had alredy been taken abowt five or sicks yeers ago. I herd in prison they make knives out of toothbrushs. What is a toothbrush? Hey, they say we didn't follo the Ganiva convenshun with thos prisoners. But thos prisoners were guys, guys don't have ganivas, guys have dicks! Only girls have ganivas, rite? My baby wil come out of my ganiva, rite? Have you bin folloing Cortney Love lately? Thank God somebody is trying to bring a little class and elegance to the world of entertainment.

Lets Role,

You Dumb Whore,
My strongest memory of Abu Ghraib? The constant, pervasive smell of feet, ass, and armpits. One day we will be reunited and it will all come back to me. Hey, I heard they made a movie about bitches like you - "Mean Girls"! Ha ha ha! No, if it was really about you it would be "Mean Bitches". No, it would be "Ugly Mean Bitches". "Ugly Mean Bitches Who Don't know How To fuck Without Getting Pregnant And Making A lot Of Trouble For Everybody", you dumb whore. Shit, the day they were handing out brains you musta been where they were handing out dicks pointing at em and laughing with a cigerette in your mouth. Our mistake was having only one black guy with us when we were playing around with them Arabs. If there were three or four black guys in trouble with us the media would be afraid to portray us in a negative light and the Army wouldn't press charges on us. Aw, who am I kidding? If there had been more than one black guy there we wouldn't have needed any Arabs to kick around. Shit, I bet those Iraqis have ways to make black guys squeal we don't even know about. Kind of makes you think, don't it? Oh, I'm sorry - I forgot who I'm writing to. I heard Rush Limbaugh compared what we did to frat pranks like in "Animal House". Remember when we brought that camel up in the CO's office and I gave you a gun and sent you in there to shoot the camel and when we didn't hear anything we looked in there and you were fucking the camel? I bet the President got a kick out of those pictures! And okay, so maybe telling you how much I'd like to fuck that Beyonce bitch in my last letter was kind of "insensitive". Get used to me talking about other bitches, we're going to spend the next few years of our lives in prison and if your ass is all I have to look forward to when I get out I won't have the will to fight of the gang rapists. After all those years as a prison guard to find myself in this situation! What's that word to describe this? No, not "Irony". "Sodomy" - That's the word.

And Remember, You're Suckin' For TWO Now, Bitch!
Hoping You Can't Remember My Name

Deer Charles,
Went to the baby docter today. The Docter askt me if I have any crayvins. I said "Yeh, I'd like to cut an Arab's arm off and watch him bleed to deth". The Docter askt if I'd like to brest feed. I said "Yeh, but only in front of a bunch of hungry Arab babys. Yeh, in front of a hole bunch of hungry Arab babys and Arab women whos tits have bin cut off and fed to dogs." They did an ultrasound and a Preast, a Paster, and a Rabbeye spent three hours tryin to find the number 666 on the baby's fourhead. A momma and baby can usuelly leave the hospetal right after the berth but we'll have to stay a liddle bit longer so the docters can shave it down and remove the tail. Oh, let me write this down since it just ockurred to me - What happens when you shuv popcorn kernels up a small animel's ass and then put it inna mikrowave? That could make a good video for "America's Funnyest Animals". Are there mikrowaves big enuff to hold a human?

Bring It On,

It's me, the poor bastard whose life you have fuckin' ruined. I'm not myself lately, this morning there was a roach on the floor and when I stepped on I didn't get a hard on. What pisses me off is that we're in all this trouble and they're letting all those prisoners go! What do you think all those guys will do once they get out of prison? Same thing we're all gonna do when we get out - Take off all their clothes, pile up on top of each other and come on themselves. At least in Abu Ghraib they could engage in such activities in a safe, clean environment and with adult supervision. When all those guys were jerking off together in Abu Ghraib you think they had to worry about their Mom walking in on them and going "Oh, my God! You're gonna go blind!" or whatever Muslim Moms holler when they catch their sons jacking off? How can they send those poor guys out in the repressive Muslim society once they've had a chance to swing like real Americans? They should at least give them free tickets to go to New Orleans for Mardi gras or Spring Break in Florida. You know, I like to think that somewhere out there in Iraq our boys are getting other Arabs naked, piling em up in Pyramids, jacking off together, and getting crazy just like regular joes like you and me are doing all over the USA! Yeah! We did more to bring the American Way Of Life to the Arab World than any dickhead businessman or fag missionary! Remember Shitboy, that one prisoner who used to smear shit all over himself? I am proud that America could create an atmosphere where a young Muslim man could express himself in such a free and open manner. That's what America is all about - You wanna smear shit all over yourself, you go right ahead and smear shit all over yourself. I did it myself the other day and it felt great! Smeared shit all over myself and I was SHITMAN! You wanna fuck with Charles Graner you're gonna have to fuck with SHITMAN! You don't like it? I don't give a shit, I'll give you SHITMAN! I don't care if I have to spend a month in seclusion under psychiatric observation twenty four hours a day and when my pregnant whore reads about it in the letters I send her she gets upset. You want to know about "upset", imagine some troll you balled to kill time until you had to go back on duty tells you she's pregnant - Now that's "upset"! Oh wait, this is a letter to my girlfriend I'm dictating to you? Well, stop writing! Stop writing! All right, buddy, you want trouble I'll give you trouble - Give me just a coupla minutes and you're gonna be dealing with SHITMAN!!

Charles Graner

Dear Charles,
I've bin smearing myself with shit for years, doesn't everybody? What I'm looking foreward to is smearing myself with the plasenta of my baby and then hangin myself with the umbelecal cord. Remember that one Arab guy bangin his hed aginst the wall to knock himself out? The other nite I tride that when I couldn't go to sleep and I knocked a whole in the wall and allmost scaped. You might want to give it a try, now they make me go to bed with a Nerf football hellmet so when I bang my hed aginst the wall it just bownces off and flys aroun the room until I can catch it and reeattach it to my neck. I saw Mama on the news talking bout what a nice girl I am. wonder why she didn't do her fart lightin trick for em like she usuelly does when there's a camra aroun? Shit. They musta caught her befor lunch. The Presdent has taken Saddam's pistol as a soovineer. I'd rather have that plastick shredder Saddam used to throw peeple into. We could attach it to the end of a Slip N Slyde for when the kid is big enuff to have bakyard pool partys. Open up a dog food factery, make a few bucks. I am gettin ready to rite me a book for when the publeshers finally get there offers together and give me a call. I remember when I was a liddle kid in grade school they made us praktiss writing all the ledders by ritin them over and over agin until we filld up a hole page. So today I got ready to rite the book by fillin up a hole page full of As - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, like that for a hole page and tomoro I'm gonna do a hole page of Bs - BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB, like that. When I'm finishd doin the hole alfabet I will put all the pages full of ledders together and use them as the chapter in the book about when I was a liddle kid in grade school. I wil use the list of all the peeple I had to contackt when I got crabs as the chapter about when I was in hi school. If I use use all of there picktures it will be the eggzact same thing as the class yeerbook only I won't use that shit wear I was voted Most Likely To Kik Out The Reer Windo Of A Police Cruizer On "COPS". They're sorry now, I'm the biggest thing to happen to that place sints Ike Carlson blew up his traler tryin to start up a Krystal Meth lab. I bin tired of bein lockt up all the time but last nite was a full moon so when I woke up in the mornin outside nakid and surrounded by bones and guts it was a nice brake.

I Love You,


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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email -

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