Big Star Versus Cheap Trick

August 1, 2013

Who's the best Power Pop Band ever - Big Star or Cheap Trick? Yeah, Power Pop - If Black people can go around talking about something called "Hip Hop" White people can talk about "Power Pop". Unless you already mentioned Iggy Pop and ZZ Top. Then shut up and let the Black folks talk for a little bit awready!

BEST VOCALS - This is a definite tie between Cheap Trick's Robin Zander and Big Star's Alex Chilton. Robin Zander sounds Great on even the crummier Cheap Trick records and there aren't any crummy Big Star records so Alex Chilton always sounds Great, too. Unless you count Alex Chilton records as Big Star records . . . No, we'll do the guy a favor - He's DEAD!

WINNER - Big Star and Cheap Trick

BEST GUITARS - Cheap Trick's Rick Nielson is so good he isn't just influenced by Jeff Beck he is FRIENDS with Jeff Beck! By now Rick Nielson is more of an influence on Jeff Beck than Jeff Beck is on him! Who is Jeff Beck? Jeff Beck is the Guitar Player Jimmy Page was because Jeff Beck was too cool to bother. Big Star's Alex Chilton was a great Guitar Player but ALL those Rock Star Guitar Players were GREAT. How Cool can it be to be a Rock Star Guitar Player once a dork like Tom Scholz shows up with all those Effects Pedals and shit? Great Guitar Players are like Great Pro Basketball Players and Great Cable Drama TV Series - Too much god damn Greatness in America these days! I was in the Supermarket yesterday and all the Cashiers were GREAT! I had a nervous breakdown in the Parking Lot. And that EMT Crew was AWESOME!

WINNER - Cheap Trick

BEST BASS - I hate this category and ain't got nothin' to say. Check out my hilarious "Best Bass" bits in "KISS Versus The Beatles", "The Clash Versus The Sex Pistols", and "Hendrix Versus Harpo". Nuff said! Or, since we're talking about Bass Players - Duff said!

WINNER - Cheap Trick

BEST DRUMS - Bun E. Carlos is so brilliant it breaks my Heart to remember that he is no longer playing with Cheap Trick - DAMN! There I was, dying of Pneumonia in a Hospital Bed when a TBS Promo on the TV Set up there on the wall informed me that CHEAP TRICK was gonna be on the new Conan O'Brien "Boo Hoo Hoo, Now I'm On Cable" Show that Night "Oh, Good! I'll Watch that and then I can die!" CONAN O'BRIEN: And now, tonight's Musical Guest on "The Tonight Show" . . . Oh, I'm sorry! I got screwed out of "The Tonight Show", didn't I? Boo Hoo Hoo! Tonight's Musical Guest on My Shitty Little Cable Show - CHEAP TRICK!! "Well, that was odd! Oh, look! It's CHEAP TRICK!!! There's Rick! And there's Robin! And there's Tom! And there's . . . WHO THE FUCK IS THAT!?! Bun E.! Bun E.! Where are you, Bun E.!?! Hey, Nurse! You got any idea what happened to Bun E.? Aren't there any White women working in this Hospital? I gotta find out what happened to Bun E.!! Geez, after all these years to suddenly have a use for White women! I must be sick! Lawd!"

WINNER - Cheap Trick

BEST ALBUM - All those Big Star albums are better than any Cheap Trick album but we don't have "albums" any more so get that Baby Boomer crap outta here before we start talking about Bell Bottom Pants. Yeah, bitch, let's talk about us some Bell Bottom Pants! Aint't nobody cuttin' me no slack, gonna scrape that shit off and throw it right back! Look at all these pictures of Big Star in the early Seventies with those Bell Bottom Pants! I am sorry, but this cannot be ignored - They look like IDIOTS! Is that what Rick Nielson and Bun E. Carlos looked like before they went to Clown College? "In Color" and "Heaven Tonight" are looking better to me every second! But what about that album Cheap Trick made with the Old Man who Produced all those Beatles records - Why does it sucketh so? If Big Star made an album with George Moroder or whatever that Old Man's name is it would have been better than anything Big Star or The Beatles ever did! Maybe even as good as Oasis! Well, maybe.

WINNER - Big Star - Any Album. Take your pick! My favorite is "Like Flies On Sherbert". Oh, that's an Alex Chilton album? Shut up before I go with the Cheap Trick live album with the Japanese School Girls!

CONCLUSION

It's a question of Character. Things go badly for Cheap Trick and they Write a bunch of Songs, record an Album, and spend a year Touring all over the World. Things go badly for Big Star and Alex Chilton goes to New Orleans to wash dishes for a living after the other guy drives a car into a Telephone pole and everybody suspects its Suicide. Things so well for Cheap Trick and they Write another bunch of Songs, record another Album, and spend another year Touring all over the World. Things go well for Big Star and . . . Okay, that never happened. But if things somehow had gone well for Big Star the other guy would have driven a really expensive European car into a really expensive European Telephone pole so Alex Chilton could fire everybody else and replace em with Tommy Stinson, Buckethead, and some guy named Bumblefoot. You think Big Star is the only buncha guys that had a hard time around here? Cheap Trick once invested all their money into their own Record Label and the very same day they released an album the Distributor they were in cahoots with went Bankrupt! THE VERY SAME DAY! Alex Chilton said "Wow! They had a DISTRIBUTOR!? Cool!" Robin Zander once did a Solo Album and the only Very Special Super Celebrities he could get for it were the guys from REO Speedwagon! REO SPEEDWAGON!!! One night when Cheap Trick was opening for KISS Peter Criss was too drunk to play so they got Bun E. Carlos all decked out in Peter Criss Kitty Kat Make Up so he could play in Criss' place. Can you imagine what that looked like? Thank God Gene Simmons incinerated every camera within one hundred and fifty miles with a single belch of Lighter Fluid. Criss got an eyeful of Bun E. dressed up like Kit E. and instantly sobered up. Ace Frehley saw Bun E. and wrote ten million Songs that sound exactly like "Cold Gin". Cheap Trick get so little respect it is widely believed that the horrible racket on all those Motley Crue records was performed b y Cheap Trick in return for one hell of a lot more money than they got for the really great Music on all those Cheap Trick records. Rick Nielson invited Guns N' Roses to his House, challenged them to a Tequila Drinking Contest, physically assaulted all five of them all by his fat Middle Aged self, and got his ass kicked by Izzy Stradlin. Hey, Alex Chilton was always running around Memphis like a drunken psychopath, did he ever get invited to Graceland and kick Elvis' ass? That might explain a lot. But Elvis knew Martial Arts. Did Rick Nielson know MARSHALL CRENSHAW? I have THE KNACK for Power Pop gags! Don't make RASPBERRIES at me! All of THE SHOES you throw miss because I am an ARTFUL DODGER! I can't hear your insults because the DBs are too low!! Where do you get THE NERVES to put me down? You don't have THE BRAINS to get away with it!

WINNER - CHEAP TRICK