Go On Ahead And Jerk Thyself, O' My Braddah - Part Two

By James Olsen

So, let me see if I've got this straight….

I was hangin' out with Gawd the other day.
…you know how that goes….
…any way, Gawd said to me-he said "James, m' boy, I like your style-and I mean that. And…you know-you KNOW-you can trust me…'cause I'm-you know-I'm Gawd. You got any chips?"

"Sure. What kind do you like?"

"Bar-B-Que. I like Bar-B-Que chips. You got any?"

"Yeah. Third cupboard from the left….
…hey, grab me a beer while your up, okay?"

"No prob, no prob…anything for you, James."

"Thanks, Gawd. You're a pretty slick dude. You're okay."

"I appreciate that, James. I really do.
You know, not everyone thinks too highly of me. It kind of bums me out."

"Yeah, well don't let it get you down too much, Gawd. I mean-what do they have on you anyway-all those doubters? I mean…you're Gawd."

"True, true, I'm Gawd.
Its just…its just that sometimes…sometimes I get…you know…I get lonely."

"Lonely?"

"Yeah, lonely. Is that so hard to believe?"

"Well, I'm always into hangin' with you, Gawd. You're one of my favorite drinkin' buddies!"

"And I appreciate that, James. I really do. But still…."

"But what?"

"…well…."

"No. No, Gawd. Don't tell me…don't tell me you're gettin' the itch. Don't tell me you're getting that special feeling."

"…ummm…."

"You're…you're that kind of lonely? You want to get close to a woman?"

"Don't be silly. It's not that simple."

"Well I should hope not. I mean…are you even…uhh…do you have…uhh…what the heck ARE you, anyway, you know? I mean…do you have any particular…parts?"

"Of course not. Don't be silly. I'm not even really here."

"Well, gee, Gawd…that's a helluva-"

"That's not what I meant. I'm here for you, James, but I'm not anymore here today than I am anywhere else-tomorrow or yesterday-at least not in any sense you would…understand."

"Try me."

"No."

"Whatever. Look, you're the one that brought it up.
So, what's eating you? What are you so 'lonely' about, anyway?"

"I'm just lonely because I feel like I'm constantly looking into a mirror-looking into a reflection that doesn't recognize me. I am all of the eyes of the universe. But I'm staring into dumb space."

"Hmmm. Yeah, I guess that would suck."

"It does suck, James. I mean-I'm Gawd, damnit. What gives?"

"Look…I dunno…maybe you should shake things up a little-you know-put the ol' fear of…Gawd thing into 'em."

"You think?"

"Sure. Why the hell not?"

"It's just…that doesn't ever seem to work. It just doesn't have the desired effect. I mean-I cause a few floods, erupt some volcanoes…you know-whatever. But people just don't get it. They start burnin' books and nailin' muthafuckas up on crosses and shit-sacrificing virgins and chopping off little bits of their sons' penises. Its just gross. I mean-c'mon-like I put that foreskin there for nothing. It makes me sick."

"Yeah, I guess I can see what you mean."

"Can you, James? Can you really?"

"Well, sure. I know I've always wished I still had all of my penis. Or-you know-wished that I'd been given a choice."

"Mmmm…how's that working out for you, anyway?"

"I don't really want to talk about it. Hey, wasn't that one of YOUR wacky ideas to begin with, anyway?"

"Its hard to say. Those were rough years. Its all a blur. I was drunk."

"Whatever…."

"You know, James-I'm glad we had this little talk. I feel a lot better. Thanks."

"Sure. Don't mention it."

 

Check out Part one of this piece.

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